If I’m being honest, I’m currently only friends with a certain person because I feel I have to be friends with that person.
I have very few “in real life” friends I do things with in person. Many don’t live close to me and our activities are limited to a few times a year. Don’t get me wrong; I value those interactions because my focus is on the person and the time together means a lot.
However, I have a few friends who live near and I try to be a participant in the friendship but … sometimes I just don’t want to.
With me, everything is “Private” – Private to the point I don’t share when I am in serious need of outside help, understanding or advice. I don’t even share when I’m in pain, because… you guessed it… it’s “private”.
I don’t share readily – the one person I share the most with is my boyfriend and even he feels I’m closed up half the time. He doesn’t press me… He knows I’ll share, eventually… partly. I think he knows I never share completely, and I justify it as ‘reasons’, but really… “private”. He knows how I am. Clearly he’s accepted it. (We don’t share a household. I would have to be far more open in that circumstance because I would have to be.)
As I told him today, one of the reasons I am so ‘closed’ is, his is the only opinion that matters. I don’t want him to know when I have trouble because I don’t want it to alter his opinion of me. I should know better than to think it does, but that’s the way I feel about it.
So, I am sure I haven’t mentioned it because well, basically I’ve been avoiding everything in life since that time, but I had a catastrophic event happen in October 2016 – I was standing in a mall in San Antonio, Texas attempting to use an ATM to buy what turned out to be a horrible breakfast. Seriously, even the coffee was bad; but it seems like it was indicative of what was to come.