…And a sobering look at at many of the “friendships” I have had.
It occurs to me I am really over tolerant and very forgiving in the way I deal with people. Perhaps, it is because I am strong and I can handle more or perhaps it is because I need less (in terms of ego, moral support). I have healthy confidence and respect for myself and I have long been able to take more punches than I should have – and I do this in a sense of kindness, a form of giving; if I can take more, if I can let people feel they have won or give them what ever emotional support they need… because I don’t need the validation…
…EXCEPT, sometimes, I do. And I deserve it. It can’t all be one sided. To be very honest, for far too long many of my relationships HAVE been too one-sided and NOT in my favor.
People do not like it when you stand up for yourself.
What follows is a conversation that happened today and it refers to something I wrote about a bit ago.
Friend-In-Common: “You: visits. It’s M~’s birthday btw. Did you wish him well?”
Me: “No. I did not.”
F-I-C: “Will you?”
Me: “Visit? Sure.”
F-I-C: “I mean wish M~ happy bday. He’s depressed.”
F-I-C: “Think you will?”
Me: “No – why would I? I haven’t spoken to him this long, he has made zero attempt to contact me. I had a birthday a few weeks ago. He didn’t contact me! Why should I?”
F-I-C: “It would be nice of you?”
Me: “What the…? He screws me over – ignores me, ignored my birthday…
And if I did, it would say “ok walk all over me.” Where was He on MY birthday or isn’t mine important? Just his?
It would have been nice of him, wouldn’t it have?”
F-I-C: “no. It would say *your friends still care about you*”
Me: “He didn’t say that to me when I reached out and asked him to. He didn’t do that when I had a had a recent birthday.”
F-I-C: “You’re more mature than he is.”
Me: “So… his birthday means more than mine?”
F-I-C: “No no I’m not saying that. I just mean he’s down on his luck, lost job recently, is broke…”
Me: “No. I’m tired of always only being the mature one – *I* matter too. We celebrated M~’s birthday every year, we went out for his birthday. Never mine.”
F-I-C: (frown emoticon)
Me: “And what about my depression? What I have been going through that he did nothing about?”
F-I-C: “That isn’t for me to say…”
Me: “For me to do anything for him at this point would be me saying “you matter more than I do.”
F-I-C: “I just think it’d be a nice gesture.”
Me: “Him wishing me one or saying hey when I said I was upset would have been too, instead of calling me crazy, no?”
F-I-C: “I don’t think he understands.”
Me: “Just because I don’t post in on facebook doesn’t mean I don’t go through stuff. I slept 2 hours last night and have a family member in the hospital with surgery right now. And he never will understand… and if I choose to continue ignoring his behavior and making excuses and concessions for it? He never will.
My birthday matters. Ask him when it is. If he can tell you… if he knows off the top of his head, maybe I’ll consider acknowledging his. But I guarantee he doesn’t because it doesn’t matter to him because I don’t matter to him.”
F-I-C: “If I asked him that it would seem highly suspicious.”
Me: “If I was important to him, if the relationship mattered, he’d have made an effort in all this time.
Why are you worried about this? I am not.”
F-I-C: “I just thought maybe you’d call him. He seemed depressed earlier.”
Me: “I’ll be honest. I’m done with him. I’ve closed the door. He’s ok with that, so why should I be a hypocrite and go back on that, especially if I don’t want to.
why should I care he’s depressed? He didn’t when I was! He doesn’t deserve it – because he didn’t give it.
Should I ask him if he’s crazy ? Will that help?
What about ME, N~? What about when I was depressed and straight up ASKED him to be there and he said screw you?
And I am supposed to be there for him? I’m done being a doormat.”
F-I-C: “I understand that, but you still should call him.”
Me: “I would prefer to not speak of him because… he’s not the only person I know celebrating a birthday today. Let me see If he even wished our mutual friend who I know Facebook told him is also having a birthday today whom he’s known longer than he’s known me… I bet not. Oh look… No, he has not. He’s selfish.
It’s all only about M~!”
F-I-C: “Still, it’s his birthday…”
Me: “I don’t even wish to speak of him and I don’t know why you push him on me. He’s made ZERO attempt to mend things. If it mattered, he would have… so why should I be concerned now? Especially when it honestly doesn’t matter to me anymore.”
F-I-C: “He did say conciliatory things about it to me.”
Me: “Conciliatory. What an absolutely appropriate word. Excuse me while I go put a nipple on a wine bottle; it’ll have the same effect.
I really am done with this conversation.”
F-I-C: “I just thought it would be nice – you should considered it. You could help him out with a phone call… just saying.
Sorry if I upset you or brought up a sore subject, was something I felt strong about.”
Me: “And it disregards my feelings on it all together. I should “be the bigger” person and exist in what is and clearly a one sided friendship (where I give more, and the other person has opted to give none) because their wittle-50-year-owd feewings are hurt or it makes *you* uncomfortable? That’s basically what you are saying here! It gaves ZERO respect for me as a person or as a friend.
and… where was your concern to do this on my behalf to him 8 months ago? When I was upset? If you DID do anything, which you did not, his utter lack of response shows how little he wants interaction, so what is your motivation?
You feel strongly but don’t seem to care I do as well. It just isn’t the answer that you want.
Why are you trying with two people who clearly want no contact?
It’s to the point it is disrespectful to me that this conversation hasn’t ended.
I’m over it. I, like a mature adult, dealt with it without involving other people…. clearly that wasn’t afforded to me because I am still having THIS conversation.
I just… Know what’s worse than disliking someone or something? Not caring at all. And yet here this conversation is still in my life after saying at least 3 time in the past hour or so I don’t want it.
Perhaps 8 months ago I would have cared he was upset…. but I can’t give energy or emotion to someone who has shown over and over they have ZERO of either for me. I HAVE to matter. It isn’t all about him nor your comfort. Somewhere in there the fact I am done should matter or at least my opinion on it should matter
— And I stand by every word I said here.
(Also, the Friend in Common knows this was being shared – this is me speaking my truth and standing up for myself, something I didn’t always do.)