..Are those which we hold inside.
I have had a lot of shit happen to me over my life – a lot of (maybe) negative shit that people sometimes say “I can’t believe that happened” – But, the truth is always stranger than fiction. Always.
I generally get over (“find the good”), I have forgiven a LOT – I have forgiven things that would NEVER be on other people’s radar, ever (nor should they be). I had a roof stolen.. no, seriously, ACTUALLY, let that sink in… I HAD A ROOF STOLEN – those are word that should ever be spoke, let alone be someone’s reality.
(I am sure, at some point, I did in fact write about this – I am not revisiting it now – if it exists, it’s likely under the ‘forgiveness’ tag) – this is not the current issue…
.. the issue is the thing I might hate you for….
….and I rarely use the term hate, and *never* lightly…
I can, eventually, let go of a lot… I *really* can. People tell me it’s ‘too much’ and I let go and forgive more than I should… Perhaps I do, but the reality is, and forgive my language here (or don’t); It’s all SHIT. It really is. It doesn’t matter. It’s THINGS – even stealing my roof, (which again, actually happened) – Ultimately, while it’s a betrayal of trust and it’s the knife in the back, really it’s just a thing, and a thing that happened.
I get the smug reality of pitying the thief. The reality remains someone stole from me, violating a trust, because they were in a position to do so and were close enough that my reality made them feel so inadequate… I know the words, I heard them from this person: “She can afford it”, “She’s so (whatever) she wont even notice”….”She won’t so anything about it…”
I never once *not* noticed, though, perhaps out of kindness, I just let you believe otherwise. I assume you need it more or feel you could never have it (or the value of it) on your own, so you feel compelled to take.
However, it doesn’t matter what a person can or can’t afford, if it’s not yours, DO NOT TAKE IT – it’s called being a good human.
Also, regarding the last bit? I’d suggest staying out of the city…
(An other’s seeming lack of actions does not justify your own; unless that’s just something you need to tell yourself to make it ok, but it doesn’t *really* make it ok…)
Ultimately, THAT (the roof, whatever) is a thing…
I have found one thing I can not seem to forgive…
AND, I admit this is stupid..
– Some years ago, I rented my house… SCRATCH THAT, I rented a room to a friend’s daughter.
Well, it evolved to where she sorta assumed I meant she could have the house (NO) and, without asking, she moved her boyfriend in.
She and he smoked, in the house, which was one thing I asked not happen.
It wasn’t just the point of smoking. The previous home owner was a smoker, and he smoked a lot, but, I cleaned the walls and carpet and painted and everything was fine.
The renter and her boyfriend were in the house a total of 7 months.
And he was a smoker, as was she. HE smoked so much that in his 25 years, nicotine had eaten away at his teeth. I’m sorry, that’s excessive… I don’t care who you are.
Now, I’ve been in homes with smokers before.. and even heavy smokers. While they may have made a room stink (remember I mentioned the previous home owner?), it didn’t permeate the house.
In the household take over these two perpetuated, I retained a room with my belongings – A closed off, locked room on the second floor.
These two individuals smoked heavily, and not just smoked, they rolled their own cigarettes. I have no problem with this, except for the logical disconnect – They used to roll cigarettes and store them in the refrigerator for ‘freshness’, yet the large supply bag of tobacco was left outside of refrigeration, unsealed.. sitting wide open… Ummm… ?
But, again, not the issue. I actually, years before it became popular and even though I am a non-smoker, used to work at a specialized tobacconist shop.So while I may have never been a smoker, I do know a thing or two about tobacco.
They would purchase a 2 kilo bag of tobacco that would cost the same as a single pack of (commercial) cigarettes. Tobacco really is a ‘get what you pay for’ product… It really is.
So, this cheap tobacco that had to be frozen (but only once rolled…) at the expense of my clean designer fridge (nope, not bitter at all), was smoked constantly – chain smoked – in the house (again, against my wishes). Some how, it permeated the walls and into the things in the room I had closed off.
It irks me every time I remove something from the room, even now, that it has this smell… not even just like cigarettes, but a smell of unclean and smoke – a smell the girl wore herself as a personal odor… her body odor (and I know she didn’t wash much) – This smell that permeated boxed items and leather, to the point where I’ve actually thrown away some things.
To the point where now, even three years later, I sill happen upon things that retain that scent.
SERIOUSLY, what is that? And it’s such a hard scent to remove…
I can’t forgive it. Regular cigarette smoke would come out by airing something out – and I’ve never known it to permeate walls and packed items.
I have to tell you, it’s very disturbing and every time I am forced to smell it, I am reminded of…
… her moving her boyfriend in without asking me.
…. her lack of cleanliness at my expense and housewares.
…. her destroying my housewares.
….her lack off rental payments.
…her not only smoking in the house, against my wishes, they also smoked drugs in the house – which is a HUGE “no”, because I am ultimately responsible.
…her anger directed at me for some reason because (*gasp*), I expected payment I didn’t WANT her boyfriend there, (WITHOUT permission and/or rent).
I haven’t forgiven it, because she clearly never cared about my designer shoes and purses in the house that she’s all but ruined (because seriously, it just doesn’t come out… it doesn’t and it’s a weird and unique smell… storing something with baking soda for weeks or washing it with vinegar SHOULD remove odors… should.).
I’d call it a lesson but honestly, I am disgusted and it’s as if the knife is retwisted every time I have to deal with (smell) it.
I hate to say it but, seriously, TAKE A DAMN SHOWER… really, honestly, what is wrong with you?
Maybe the problem is, I never allow myself to be angry about these things – but I’m trying – AGAIN – to get that funk out of a designer handbag… It’s unnecessary.
Also, it ruined the friendship with my friend – because her attitude was ‘oh well, it’s just YOUR things…” (I am sure the attitude would have been different had it been her things) and she feels I shouldn’t have expected rent from my renter (because, yea, that works….)
Also, I don’t know what brought this out – it’s what came out, so I let it… Apparently it’s bothering me as my purse is hanging outside in the evening air, apparently it needed a voice… so here it is.
Perhaps, really, it is a metaphor…
This smell, this funk, so deeply permeated so many things, and for a long time, I let it go and dealt with it… like so many other things in my life.
However! There comes a point where you just get sick of having to clean up after, or because of, another person.
Perhaps, even if people think I have “too much”, maybe I have the right to have it…
…because, it’s mine.
….because I hurt no one else with it.
…because, I never once not shared it (maybe that’s part of the problem, maybe people think they can take or destroy… some sort of entitlement because of my kindness).
I do accept the reality that this is, at least in some small part, my fault:
…Maybe I should have put my foot down firmer with the first cigarette lit. …Maybe, I should have stopped being so nice, all-the-time.