Slow Yoga And Daddy Issues…

…Or, so-called personal short-comings…

So in yoga you learn to release your ego to gain your greater good. I think, sometimes, in our dealings with others, it is ego that gets in the way. Dealing with those who test us, teaches us… or so they say.

Maybe people test us so we can learn what bothers us about ourselves, rather it be a trait we have that we don’t wish to see amplified, or one we *wished* we possessed.

So, this brings me to the topic of today’s post…

After a prolonged period of not working a regular (conventional) job, I took a corporate office job. I suppose I was very lucky in landing a job that has a very loose corporate culture boasting a casual and fun environment. However, it’s entirely possible it is just a bit too much of these things.

At this job, I am finding one of my co-workers to be a bit of a challenge. Simply put, she annoys me.

However, I recognize that it’s not fair to simply say she’s annoying. I recognize that she’s never been anything but kind to me, but perhaps a bit stand-offish at times. Maybe that’s just the way she is. That’s certainly not a problem and I have to say, she has a very good heart.

Still, she annoys and I have to question why. At the end of the day, I don’t think the problem is with her. After all, she is just who she is.

I am not going to list too many specific things about her behaviors that annoy me, because if I were to do that I would just be complaining. I simply don’t want to do that.

Instead, I have been trying to look at WHY her behaviors annoy me.

One thing about her is, she’s loud. Just physically, she is loud. I could fault her for that, but in examining my own ego, I question why it bothers me. Perhaps it may be, that in my perceptions, she seems to always seek the spotlight. Perhaps it is the fact she actually *gets* the attention, even if by demanding it, what feels unfair or slighting.

Though, I can’t understand why…

….I mean, I truly do not want the same.

I can only assume it’s because I don’t want that, and instead, on some level I am expecting people to conform to my way of behaving in a work place. Again, an unfair expectation. Also, a rather unrealistic one.

I also think I am being selfish… with myself.  Ok, I know that one sounds odd, but…

She speaks openly (and loudly) about things that for a long time were “forbidden” (by choice) to speak of in my world – Things that are personal aspects of my life, that have been a part of my life for a long time; just things I wasn’t always outspoken about, partly because, well, they are private and I don’t openly share private things and also, I am a bit older than she and as I was growing up, some things weren’t as socially acceptable as they are now.

And… Perhaps that’s why, maybe I don’t care for the way she’s outspoken about it. On some level, it feels like *mine*, I almost want to just in the conversation and show a kinship and prove my knowledge in the field, but over all, I remember my privacy. It could be said on some level, that maybe I feel it cheapens it, or takes away something about it that is “mine”.

Maybe both of these things are an example of jealousy. I mean, even as much as I say I do not want to be outspoken and sharing, maybe I am in awe or even jealous of how freely she is able to be these things…

Bottom line, without nitpicking her personality apart, I find myself annoy by her. However, as I said, I realize the problem is in me, and not in her.

Also, I noticed, that in speaking of it, owning my annoyance (and not directing outward as her problem), as well as writing this post, has softened me to her. It has taken me several days to complete this post (note my lack of posts in general), and in that time, I have seen her differently, and decidedly less annoying.

So, perhaps that’s the lesson of this post… understanding why you feel the way about a person better helps you not only understand them but also understand yourself.

Or maybe I just needed to write it out…

But it’s a decent lesson for all of us. I never had any cause to attack her as a person anyway; clearly, the issue was always with me.

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