Growing Up…

…All over again.

So, I am sure I haven’t mentioned it because well, basically I’ve been avoiding everything in life since that time, but I had a catastrophic event happen in October 2016 – I was standing in a mall in San Antonio, Texas attempting to use an ATM to buy what turned out to be a horrible breakfast. Seriously, even the coffee was bad; but it seems like it was indicative of what was to come.

Well, since that time, I’ve basically been in a little hole – a hole I’ve kept quiet and just silently abused my body and inner-self at the utter unfairness of what has become my world.  I’ve kept a sunny, positive demeanor on the outside, but truth be told I have refused to accept this as my new reality and I am convinced that the utter unfairness I am suffering through is temporary and things will, somehow, magically turn around. I mean it’s been 18 months but, I have expressed I believe in the impossible being possible, haven’t I? I know I have explained this before.

I am not accepting this, but it occurs to me that the course I’ve taken over the last year and a half has not helped my cause. I’ve done nothing. I have literally done nothing.

My phone doesn’t even ring because it’s constantly on silent, I don’t answer it.

It’s *really* a bad way to deal with things. *really*.

I suppose there’s a truth to the statement that things wont happen unless you put some effort behind them.

However, I woke up today, and I laid in bed for hours and I rolled around and I tried my hardest not to think. That’s very hard for me, because I over think everything. I over think overthinking.

I suppose I have to do something. *Something*  – anything. I haven’t even gotten angry because I don’t believe this reality, I do not believe this is where I am supposed to be. I know this isn’t where I am supposed to be. I don’t understand why I am here at this point or what I am supposed to learn from it. I don’t even regret not doing anything, though, it would have been easier to do something sooner.

I’ve just been in a sort of stasis.

Today, I guess I am doing something.

Not much because I took the day off work and slept most of the day…BUT, I at least made an appointment to meet with someone about getting back on track.

Its a small step but it’s a step. After so long of nothing, it is something. Today, I decided to be an adult again – growing up all over again, I guess. Facing things gone wrong, with the intention of making it right. It’s what we are supposed to do every day but sometimes, we need cheerleading just for doing the smallest thing. Sometimes, life just gets overwhelming.

 

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