So, I am sure I haven’t mentioned it because well, basically I’ve been avoiding everything in life since that time, but I had a catastrophic event happen in October 2016 – I was standing in a mall in San Antonio, Texas attempting to use an ATM to buy what turned out to be a horrible breakfast. Seriously, even the coffee was bad; but it seems like it was indicative of what was to come.
…And cleaning up the mess therein.
I often find myself saying “but people wouldn’t understand”. I am sure that may seem self indulgent and narcissistic, as if my problems are *so* much that no one could possibly relate.
No. That’s not really it. That’s not how I mean it. I think, really, more of what’s going on is I don’t relate to how other people handle problems. I’m not faulting “others”, as I’m the odd man out. I see a similar behavior in others which I don’t possess. I really do not know how to ask for help and when I do try to ask for help, I tend to fail pretty epically at it.
Sometimes, I think I should talk to some one, go visit a therapist. The problem is, however, I am not sure I am ready to let these demons out. Yea, no. I’m not ready to walk with them, and likely, by the time I may be ready, they will be in the past…
…and I don’t visit the past readily. The past if gone, and I’m over it.
I may not need that therapist after all. I probably just have to get through today
I didn’t realize it hasn’t been as long as I thought since I last posted. Fact of the matter is, I forgot I even HAVE a blog and I last remember updating in June.
It’s really been a rough several of months. I seem to keep saying that, but perhaps it’s because it keeps being true.
I am finding my self in a condition, in a place, I never imagined I would be in. It’s terrifying to me. I feel that every little thing is final, and indicative of something much larger, however my logical brain knows that can not really be the truth.
I also find it really, universally, unfair – because I never took anything for granted, I never felt myself above anything or anyone else’s circumstances.
I know, also, I can not move forward with that mind set. It isn’t a matter of what is right or fair or even HOW it happened or laying blame; it’s a matter of realizing where you are and making a decision rather you want to be there or not and what you have to do to change it.
So in yoga you learn to release your ego to gain your greater good. I think, sometimes, in our dealings with others, it is ego that gets in the way. Dealing with those who test us, teaches us… or so they say.
Maybe people test us so we can learn what bothers us about ourselves, rather it be a trait we have that we don’t wish to see amplified, or one we *wished* we possessed.