The Scariest Things…

..Are those which we hold inside.

I have had a lot of shit happen to me over my life – a lot of (maybe) negative shit that people sometimes say “I can’t believe that happened” – But, the truth is always stranger than fiction. Always.

I generally get over  (“find the good”), I have forgiven a LOT – I have forgiven things that would NEVER be on other people’s radar, ever (nor should they be).  I had a roof stolen.. no, seriously, ACTUALLY, let that sink in… I HAD A ROOF STOLEN – those are word that should ever be spoke, let alone be someone’s reality.
(I am sure, at some point, I did in fact write about this – I am not revisiting it now – if it exists, it’s likely under the ‘forgiveness’ tag) – this is not the current issue…

.. the issue is the thing I might hate you for….

….and I rarely use the term hate, and *never* lightly…

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Officially Unoffical…

…Or, believe it as you will.

I sometimes think my posts are a lot of whining and bitching. Perhaps they are, maybe they are not. The fact of the matter is, I post here because it is anonymous and I post to sort things out in my head. I really don’t care for whining, or carrying on about things past – but sometimes you have to purge, sometimes you have to vent and work through things to be able to let things go.

This is my place to do it…

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Seadragons Move Gracefully Through The Ocean…

…Or, lessons that humans failed to learn.

A few days ago, someone said something to me that crept back into my thoughts today. I mentioned someone who is a friend of that person’s, who used to be a friend of mine. She, (the friend in common), said she thinks the person (former friend) was a victim of spousal abuse, of sorts. I will concede his partner is a bit… perhaps that may be true considering the woman that is his partner.

I thought about this conversation again today. It’s funny what brought it up… I was listening to 80’s music – A obscure female-lead group at that, which made me think of the person in question (the former friend), when the comment the friend in common said about him came to mind.

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Beware The Ides Of March…

…And a sobering look at at many of the “friendships” I have had.

It occurs to me I am really over tolerant and very forgiving in the way I deal with people. Perhaps, it is because I am strong and I can handle more or perhaps it is because I need less (in terms of ego, moral support).  I have healthy confidence and respect for myself and I have long been able to take more punches than I should have – and I do this in a sense of kindness, a form of giving; if I can take more, if I can let people feel they have won or give them what ever emotional support they need… because I don’t need the validation…

…EXCEPT, sometimes, I do. And I deserve it. It can’t all be one sided. To be very honest, for far too long many of my relationships HAVE been too one-sided and NOT in my favor.

People do not like it when you stand up for yourself.

What follows is a conversation that happened today and it refers to something I wrote about a bit ago.

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Ironically…

…28 Years Later.

This week, I ended a life long friendship.

Sometimes, we have to end things for self preservation. Sometimes, it takes time to realize a relationship is toxic.

I have been going through a rough time lately and I have not been silent about it. Since I lost my cat, I haven’t been silent about my pain. I WILL tell you when I am “not ok” – as I have said before, I will not just say I am ok for the sake of an other person’s harmony when they post the obligatory are you ok? question. So, if I am not, I will say so. And recently, I have not been.

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Halloween And TV Watching…

…And other horrors.

‘Tis the season of the mask, costume, pretending to be someone other than you.
I don’t get excited for Halloween, but it may be because I have already seen too many masks.

I have been thinking of past relationships, a lot lately. Relationships I have let go of, happily, but the thoughts are returning, unwelcomed.

As I have gotten older, my circle of friends have gotten smaller, much smaller, perhaps even too small. I think I have just had enough.
(I always say “quality over quantity”.)

I have had, indeed, some questionable friends and when I think of some of the things I have allowed to me, they are nearly ridiculous (I literally had a roof stolen from me, by a *friend* – one who I housed and afforded a lifestyle. The theft was my “thank you”, I guess).

Halloween is the night when you get to don a mask and pretend to be someone else for a little while, with the intent, according to the legend of Halloween, of keeping the evil spirits away. But… what happens when the ones you trust, that you’ve let close to you, are the *evil* ones who constantly wear a mask, barely letting you see their real face?
You can take the lesson as something that leaves you less trusting, or you can take it as a learning experience, to be more wise in the future (that is the route I have chosen, and I hope the wisdom of it proves true).

The masks only holds value in so long as you are content to have a superficial view of life – when everything can be social, party, TV, and surface – when no body really looks too deeply.

When you are content to just turn the television on for anesthetization, you become conditioned to crave the drama. Turning the television off forces you to write your own script.

I have been contemplative the last few days. Perhaps it is the illness that has plaqued me for the better part of this month or maybe it’s just because there is nothing good on TV…

There is another consequence of age and sharing…
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Ambient Light…

…And reality defused.

Sometimes we only see things in the dim light of our perception, and it is only when circumstance illuminates a situation that we see it in its glaring *true* light.

This post is probably going to be personal and therefor, probably cryptic. At any rate, I am sure it will also be long.
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