Looking In…

…But never seeing out again.

With me, everything is “Private” – Private to the point I don’t share when I am in serious need of outside help, understanding or advice. I don’t even share when I’m in pain, because… you guessed it… it’s “private”.

I don’t share readily – the one person I share the most with is my boyfriend and even he feels I’m closed up half the time. He doesn’t press me… He knows I’ll share, eventually… partly. I think he knows I never share completely, and I justify it as ‘reasons’, but really… “private”. He knows how I am. Clearly he’s accepted it. (We don’t share a household. I would have to be far more open in that circumstance because I would have to be.)

As I told him today, one of the reasons I am so ‘closed’ is, his is the only opinion that matters. I don’t want him to know when I have trouble because I don’t want it to alter his opinion of me. I should know better than to think it does, but that’s the way I feel about it.

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The Screams We Silence…

…And the ones we let go.
Laying here at 4am, I realized something about me. 

I am thinking of a pain, a pain I took from someone else and told him he didn’t have a right to it. I very selfishly made a shared pain my own, to no real end. 

I took that pain, and I opened the bin of feeling and I shoved it down, stuffed it way down to the bottom. 

I covered those feelings with life and escapism, alcohol and bad dreams. 

I figured I could always outrun it without really trying. 

Sometimes, sometimes it manifests as two and a half weeks driving around Ireland, solo, pretending I am escaping another, fresher pain. However, I know one is related to the other because I created it that way and never really denied it.

Or…

It’s running off to Iceland for two weeks…

…next up is Greenland. 

And I get why.

Because when it’s cold, with a chill that sometimes remembers to cut through you, you are numb. You don’t have to feel. You can scream out over a frozen tundra and it won’t echo back. Frozen, blue and silent too. 

You get used to it.

I did this once, with a different pain, to the mountains of Greece. Camping and adventuring. The problem, however, with mountains is…

…they echo back. They will tell your secrets. It’s as if your pain won’t let you escape. 

You can’t escape it anyway. 

Officially Unoffical…

…Or, believe it as you will.

I sometimes think my posts are a lot of whining and bitching. Perhaps they are, maybe they are not. The fact of the matter is, I post here because it is anonymous and I post to sort things out in my head. I really don’t care for whining, or carrying on about things past – but sometimes you have to purge, sometimes you have to vent and work through things to be able to let things go.

This is my place to do it…

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Seadragons Move Gracefully Through The Ocean…

…Or, lessons that humans failed to learn.

A few days ago, someone said something to me that crept back into my thoughts today. I mentioned someone who is a friend of that person’s, who used to be a friend of mine. She, (the friend in common), said she thinks the person (former friend) was a victim of spousal abuse, of sorts. I will concede his partner is a bit… perhaps that may be true considering the woman that is his partner.

I thought about this conversation again today. It’s funny what brought it up… I was listening to 80’s music – A obscure female-lead group at that, which made me think of the person in question (the former friend), when the comment the friend in common said about him came to mind.

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Beware The Ides Of March…

…And a sobering look at at many of the “friendships” I have had.

It occurs to me I am really over tolerant and very forgiving in the way I deal with people. Perhaps, it is because I am strong and I can handle more or perhaps it is because I need less (in terms of ego, moral support).  I have healthy confidence and respect for myself and I have long been able to take more punches than I should have – and I do this in a sense of kindness, a form of giving; if I can take more, if I can let people feel they have won or give them what ever emotional support they need… because I don’t need the validation…

…EXCEPT, sometimes, I do. And I deserve it. It can’t all be one sided. To be very honest, for far too long many of my relationships HAVE been too one-sided and NOT in my favor.

People do not like it when you stand up for yourself.

What follows is a conversation that happened today and it refers to something I wrote about a bit ago.

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The Beautiful Weeds…

…Or the places roses grow.

I do call roses “weeds”but not necessarily in a bad way. You see, roses are very hardy, hard to kill and they will grow virtually anywhere, with very little care and sometimes in extraordinary circumstances. However, people love roses and they are considered perhaps the most beautiful of the flowers and stand for romance and friendship and so many other wonderful things. But really, a weed is just any plant growing somewhere it isn’t wanted.

It occurs to me, I have to write here more than once a month. It isn’t for lack of want or things to say… I don’t know why I neglect this, I like this space to share…

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Ironically…

…28 Years Later.

This week, I ended a life long friendship.

Sometimes, we have to end things for self preservation. Sometimes, it takes time to realize a relationship is toxic.

I have been going through a rough time lately and I have not been silent about it. Since I lost my cat, I haven’t been silent about my pain. I WILL tell you when I am “not ok” – as I have said before, I will not just say I am ok for the sake of an other person’s harmony when they post the obligatory are you ok? question. So, if I am not, I will say so. And recently, I have not been.

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