Looking In…

…But never seeing out again.

With me, everything is “Private” – Private to the point I don’t share when I am in serious need of outside help, understanding or advice. I don’t even share when I’m in pain, because… you guessed it… it’s “private”.

I don’t share readily – the one person I share the most with is my boyfriend and even he feels I’m closed up half the time. He doesn’t press me… He knows I’ll share, eventually… partly. I think he knows I never share completely, and I justify it as ‘reasons’, but really… “private”. He knows how I am. Clearly he’s accepted it. (We don’t share a household. I would have to be far more open in that circumstance because I would have to be.)

As I told him today, one of the reasons I am so ‘closed’ is, his is the only opinion that matters. I don’t want him to know when I have trouble because I don’t want it to alter his opinion of me. I should know better than to think it does, but that’s the way I feel about it.

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Ironically…

…28 Years Later.

This week, I ended a life long friendship.

Sometimes, we have to end things for self preservation. Sometimes, it takes time to realize a relationship is toxic.

I have been going through a rough time lately and I have not been silent about it. Since I lost my cat, I haven’t been silent about my pain. I WILL tell you when I am “not ok” – as I have said before, I will not just say I am ok for the sake of an other person’s harmony when they post the obligatory are you ok? question. So, if I am not, I will say so. And recently, I have not been.

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