The Screams We Silence…

…And the ones we let go.
Laying here at 4am, I realized something about me. 

I am thinking of a pain, a pain I took from someone else and told him he didn’t have a right to it. I very selfishly made a shared pain my own, to no real end. 

I took that pain, and I opened the bin of feeling and I shoved it down, stuffed it way down to the bottom. 

I covered those feelings with life and escapism, alcohol and bad dreams. 

I figured I could always outrun it without really trying. 

Sometimes, sometimes it manifests as two and a half weeks driving around Ireland, solo, pretending I am escaping another, fresher pain. However, I know one is related to the other because I created it that way and never really denied it.


It’s running off to Iceland for two weeks…

…next up is Greenland. 

And I get why.

Because when it’s cold, with a chill that sometimes remembers to cut through you, you are numb. You don’t have to feel. You can scream out over a frozen tundra and it won’t echo back. Frozen, blue and silent too. 

You get used to it.

I did this once, with a different pain, to the mountains of Greece. Camping and adventuring. The problem, however, with mountains is…

…they echo back. They will tell your secrets. It’s as if your pain won’t let you escape. 

You can’t escape it anyway. 


Could It Be I Actually Understand…

…Or is this just what lack of sleep looks like?

I had a bit of an early morning epiphany, of sorts.
Four a.m. can be a dangerous time…

Continue reading

My Words Are For Myself…

…But I put them up to share them anyway.

Today’s words are a reminder to myself.
We do not get to choose each other’s fate.
It is that simple.

How easy it is, when we don’t care for someone,  to think we should have influence when we perceive they are at a point we feel we should be at.
They aren’t; they are where they should be.
Also, we aren’t missing out, we are following our own path.

However, that doesn’t mean we don’t get petty jealousies that creep in. Perhaps it’s best to acknowledge  it and let it pass, look inward and reflect and move on.

Sometimes, however, people think they are going to “enact” some sort of revenge upon another or we have nagging thoughts of “creating” justice…
…something like making a phone call to point someone in a direction of something they my have overlooked about said person, or whatever.

No. We do not get to choose justice. If we want out own lives to go unabated, we must let others as well.

Now, this does not mind people won’t chose to do negative or even evil this to you. But! That is on them and a reflection of who they are, not you….
…no matter what bad they may be able to pull from your past.

The main motivating should be the hope that should you leave others be, they too shall leave you be.

Granted, it doesn’t always work out as such, but one can only worry about one’s self.

On that note, a simple phrase keeps crossing my mind:
“What other people think of you is none of your business.”

The Race for Rats…

…and all the other ones I’ve lost.

Today, after a long time of being infirmed with my broken foot, I was able to go to yoga! It was a YIN class, which is a very passive class. However, that isn’t to say it is without it’s challenges, but it may be said it is less physically demanding (unless, of course, stillness and holding position is something you find demanding).

I was on my mat waiting for the class to begin when the woman next to me sipped her water and in doing so, got a mouthful of ice, which she proceeded to chew on. I got annoyed by it; I found myself rather very annoyed by it, actually. BUT, as I was laying in savasana, in my meditative state, it occurred to me I had no right to be annoyed by her. How selfish of me to be so annoyed; as if I have never chewed ice, right? She wasn’t doing anything *wrong*, and frankly, her crunching of said ice wasn’t that loud. It was a perfectly innocent, normal act. So I thought about why it bothered me, and it occurred to me, I wasn’t really annoyed with her. I was annoyed that I NOTICED the crunching of the ice as it disrupted my silence and more so, really, I was annoyed with myself for having forgotten my own bottle in the car.

I think we have moments like that often in life, where we just need to step back and consider a situation, then realize what we are actually thinking or feeling. I think so often we respond in a reactionary way, without truly realizing the source of our annoyances. Maybe our interactions truly are mirrors of ourselves, more often than we stop to realize.
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You Are Born And You Live…

…and then you die.

Is it amazing, or just scary?
We live in an age where people are no longer (so) taken aback when someone says “I can’t make it Thursday, I will be giving birth”. – We’ve come to accept planned births.

How amazing is THAT anyway? Planned birth.

Birth, however, has a natural counterpart:
Today I was informed that someone close to me is going to die, soon…. on April 2nd.

Planned death.

Not suicide, not even euthanasia.
That is the day the life support is planned to be turned off, and…. shortly there after, life will (likely) expire.
“Let nature take its course.”

Nothing profound here today.
Just that thought.
It is a heavy thought.

I guess there *are* other instances of *knowing* death is coming (general illness or even, execution?), but to know exactly feels weird.

It’s on my mind.
I guess the mercy here is that the person in question doesn’t know. He has no idea of the state he is in (or at least, so medical science tells us).
He is comfortably unaware of not only his surroundings, but also the conditions he’s in or even of what is to come.

Death, always, has only ever been a problem for the living…
…those directly effected go on from it.

All we can hope for is peace, either way.


Open Secrets…

…and the heart I wear on my sleeve.

I am not a good liar.
I am not.
Oh sure.. Sitting here behind a computer screen, I can tell you anything.
However, in that moment, when I get asked something…. the truth just comes out. Even in a situation I WANT to lie or change the truth enough to be anonymous. I can’t do it. I am not good at that on the spot creativity, if you will.
Examples? Sure. I got a phone call from a survey taker. I would have preferred to not to tell the whole truth of the household, my age, marital status (that’s just security, right?) – but when asked my birthyear, that quick thinking failed me and the truth tumbled out.
The same thing happens with plane rides; I enter the plane hoping to put an imaginary wall between me and the person next to me. No. The real me tumbles out.

It isn’t that I choose to be dishonest. I do not. I am a very honest person and frankly, honesty is always easier. It just is. With honesty, there is nothing to remember. However, I am a highly sensitive person. I tend to be the sort people lay their problems on, or try to manipulate or I easily get involved with things that aren’t “mine”. I tend to care too much. So, really, attempting to keep people at arms-length really is a sort of self preservation.
However, I fail at it. (OBVIOUSLY)

So when you are honest, and highly sensitive, and suffer from empathy (and I do say suffer from, it can be a blessing, but it is also an affliction), you internalize…. a lot. You also tend to value your alone time.

One place I find alone time is on my yoga mat. However, being alone doesn’t mean you still are free to just LET GO. No, it means you are trapped alone with your brain and your emotions, and all the things that just wont quit. Thankfully, over time, I also have learned to also find freedom on the yoga mat. Continue reading