Looking In…

…But never seeing out again.

With me, everything is “Private” – Private to the point I don’t share when I am in serious need of outside help, understanding or advice. I don’t even share when I’m in pain, because… you guessed it… it’s “private”.

I don’t share readily – the one person I share the most with is my boyfriend and even he feels I’m closed up half the time. He doesn’t press me… He knows I’ll share, eventually… partly. I think he knows I never share completely, and I justify it as ‘reasons’, but really… “private”. He knows how I am. Clearly he’s accepted it. (We don’t share a household. I would have to be far more open in that circumstance because I would have to be.)

As I told him today, one of the reasons I am so ‘closed’ is, his is the only opinion that matters. I don’t want him to know when I have trouble because I don’t want it to alter his opinion of me. I should know better than to think it does, but that’s the way I feel about it.

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That Thing Again…

…Or The Places Where We Come Back To.

 

I didn’t realize it hasn’t been as long as I thought since I last posted. Fact of the matter is, I forgot I even HAVE a blog and I last remember updating in June.

It’s really been a rough several of months. I seem to keep saying that, but perhaps it’s because it keeps being true.

I am finding my self in a condition, in a place, I never imagined I would be in. It’s terrifying to me. I feel that every little thing is final, and indicative of something much larger, however my logical brain knows that can not really be the truth.

I also find it really, universally, unfair – because I never took anything for granted, I never felt myself above anything or anyone else’s circumstances.

I know, also, I can not move forward with that mind set. It isn’t a matter of what is right or fair or even HOW it happened or laying blame; it’s a matter of realizing where you are and making a decision rather you want to be there or not and what you have to do to change it.

Period.

It Is In The Silence….

…Or, the place we hear the screams the loudest…
…All the places we hear the screams.

People always say they care…

….And such a phrase is supposed to matter.

However, I’ve noticed the silence more than the shouting (especially when I am the one shouting).

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Slow Yoga And Daddy Issues…

…Or, so-called personal short-comings…

So in yoga you learn to release your ego to gain your greater good. I think, sometimes, in our dealings with others, it is ego that gets in the way. Dealing with those who test us, teaches us… or so they say.

Maybe people test us so we can learn what bothers us about ourselves, rather it be a trait we have that we don’t wish to see amplified, or one we *wished* we possessed.

So, this brings me to the topic of today’s post…

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Officially Unoffical…

…Or, believe it as you will.

I sometimes think my posts are a lot of whining and bitching. Perhaps they are, maybe they are not. The fact of the matter is, I post here because it is anonymous and I post to sort things out in my head. I really don’t care for whining, or carrying on about things past – but sometimes you have to purge, sometimes you have to vent and work through things to be able to let things go.

This is my place to do it…

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Seadragons Move Gracefully Through The Ocean…

…Or, lessons that humans failed to learn.

A few days ago, someone said something to me that crept back into my thoughts today. I mentioned someone who is a friend of that person’s, who used to be a friend of mine. She, (the friend in common), said she thinks the person (former friend) was a victim of spousal abuse, of sorts. I will concede his partner is a bit… perhaps that may be true considering the woman that is his partner.

I thought about this conversation again today. It’s funny what brought it up… I was listening to 80’s music – A obscure female-lead group at that, which made me think of the person in question (the former friend), when the comment the friend in common said about him came to mind.

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Halloween And TV Watching…

…And other horrors.

‘Tis the season of the mask, costume, pretending to be someone other than you.
I don’t get excited for Halloween, but it may be because I have already seen too many masks.

I have been thinking of past relationships, a lot lately. Relationships I have let go of, happily, but the thoughts are returning, unwelcomed.

As I have gotten older, my circle of friends have gotten smaller, much smaller, perhaps even too small. I think I have just had enough.
(I always say “quality over quantity”.)

I have had, indeed, some questionable friends and when I think of some of the things I have allowed to me, they are nearly ridiculous (I literally had a roof stolen from me, by a *friend* – one who I housed and afforded a lifestyle. The theft was my “thank you”, I guess).

Halloween is the night when you get to don a mask and pretend to be someone else for a little while, with the intent, according to the legend of Halloween, of keeping the evil spirits away. But… what happens when the ones you trust, that you’ve let close to you, are the *evil* ones who constantly wear a mask, barely letting you see their real face?
You can take the lesson as something that leaves you less trusting, or you can take it as a learning experience, to be more wise in the future (that is the route I have chosen, and I hope the wisdom of it proves true).

The masks only holds value in so long as you are content to have a superficial view of life – when everything can be social, party, TV, and surface – when no body really looks too deeply.

When you are content to just turn the television on for anesthetization, you become conditioned to crave the drama. Turning the television off forces you to write your own script.

I have been contemplative the last few days. Perhaps it is the illness that has plaqued me for the better part of this month or maybe it’s just because there is nothing good on TV…

There is another consequence of age and sharing…
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