With me, everything is “Private” – Private to the point I don’t share when I am in serious need of outside help, understanding or advice. I don’t even share when I’m in pain, because… you guessed it… it’s “private”.
I don’t share readily – the one person I share the most with is my boyfriend and even he feels I’m closed up half the time. He doesn’t press me… He knows I’ll share, eventually… partly. I think he knows I never share completely, and I justify it as ‘reasons’, but really… “private”. He knows how I am. Clearly he’s accepted it. (We don’t share a household. I would have to be far more open in that circumstance because I would have to be.)
As I told him today, one of the reasons I am so ‘closed’ is, his is the only opinion that matters. I don’t want him to know when I have trouble because I don’t want it to alter his opinion of me. I should know better than to think it does, but that’s the way I feel about it.
Having that thing called Facebook is nothing short of exhausting. Removing the emotional obligation to be involved with actual friends with the never ending posts of break-ups and make-ups we all *must* be privy to and the psychological break-downs that are anything but, one must navigate the world of buzzwords, causes and politics.
So in yoga you learn to release your ego to gain your greater good. I think, sometimes, in our dealings with others, it is ego that gets in the way. Dealing with those who test us, teaches us… or so they say.
Maybe people test us so we can learn what bothers us about ourselves, rather it be a trait we have that we don’t wish to see amplified, or one we *wished* we possessed.
I sometimes think my posts are a lot of whining and bitching. Perhaps they are, maybe they are not. The fact of the matter is, I post here because it is anonymous and I post to sort things out in my head. I really don’t care for whining, or carrying on about things past – but sometimes you have to purge, sometimes you have to vent and work through things to be able to let things go.
A few days ago, someone said something to me that crept back into my thoughts today. I mentioned someone who is a friend of that person’s, who used to be a friend of mine. She, (the friend in common), said she thinks the person (former friend) was a victim of spousal abuse, of sorts. I will concede his partner is a bit… perhaps that may be true considering the woman that is his partner.
I thought about this conversation again today. It’s funny what brought it up… I was listening to 80’s music – A obscure female-lead group at that, which made me think of the person in question (the former friend), when the comment the friend in common said about him came to mind.
…And a sobering look at at many of the “friendships” I have had.
It occurs to me I am really over tolerant and very forgiving in the way I deal with people. Perhaps, it is because I am strong and I can handle more or perhaps it is because I need less (in terms of ego, moral support). I have healthy confidence and respect for myself and I have long been able to take more punches than I should have – and I do this in a sense of kindness, a form of giving; if I can take more, if I can let people feel they have won or give them what ever emotional support they need… because I don’t need the validation…
…EXCEPT, sometimes, I do. And I deserve it. It can’t all be one sided. To be very honest, for far too long many of my relationships HAVE been too one-sided and NOT in my favor.
People do not like it when you stand up for yourself.
What follows is a conversation that happened today and it refers to something I wrote about a bit ago.